Winter January 13, 2011

Well, it has been a while. I had a wonderful Christmas
break, learned a lot about myself, had great times with both
families, and even got a little bit of alone time in. Then
school started again. I was absolutely dreading it. I guess this
year, having been through the spring semester once before in the
same position, I knew exactly what lay ahead of me. And I was not
looking forward to it at all. Most of you who have read even a
single post of mine realize that I struggle with being a control
freak perfectionist, and this is something I have to repeatedly lay
down at the cross. The upside to this, is that I am starting to
realize when I have taken control more quickly. Which means that I
don’t get as far down that wicked path before I am able to turn
around, and give control back to my beloved Jesus. During the fall
semester, I had done a really good job of remaining chill. Knowing
that my Jesus was going to take care of me and provide through all
of the challenges that state mandated testing brings to the
surface. The pressure. The stress. The desires that I have to
people please. You know, all the things that drive a control freak
perfectionist over the edge. It was a wonderful semester. However,
it was like as soon as I went back to school, I was in complete
task mode. No fun, no smiles, must do work, must make this happen.
It was all death. I had taken control, stopped trusting, and never
even consciously realized it. Going back to school wasn’t as bad as
I thought it would be because I love my kids to pieces, but I just
wasn’t happy. Wasn’t experiencing life. All of this came to boil
this past weekend. On Saturday, I was just restless. Didn’t know
what I wanted to do, or where to go, or if I wanted to go anywhere
or do anything. I just was in a bad mood for no apparent reason.
Which is totally not normal for me. Eventually, I relaxed, and
enjoyed my evening, but never could put my finger on what was
bothering me. Then, Sunday morning, I walked into church, and
realized that the sermon was about being “alive in God.” Before
worship even started I knew I was going to be going to get some
prayer. That is just how Jesus is. He has to prepare me for these
things. But, the other thing I knew instantly, is that it was going
to be alright. I figured out at that moment that I had taken
control from Jesus again. Stopped trusting. Tried to do it all on
my own. As Jesus put it when he was speaking to me, “You don’t let
me be enough for you.” Ouch. Not that he isn’t enough. Just that I
won’t let him be enough. I block all of his love and mercy and
provision and joy instantly when I try to control instead of trust.
As soon as I knew what was wrong with my heart, I surrendered it.
Got prayer after the service, and have been more fully alive since.
I have laughed this week. I have smiled. I have made jokes, and
loved my kids more. I have laughed with my husband more when I get
home from work. I have given more of myself because my energy is
not all focused on surviving. It is focused on my sweet Jesus and
letting him be the boss. Letting him carry my load. This is a daily
battle for me. It is something that I have to give to him every
morning. But it is so much easier to give it to Jesus in the
morning, than to carry it around all day long, and give up in pure
exhaustion at the end of the day. Jesus didn’t say that we must
take up our cross once and be done with it. He said we must take up
our cross daily and follow Him. But His cross, is so much lighter
than the other loads I try to carry. Thank you Jesus for your
patience. Thank you for your mercy. Thank you for ending this
winter in my heart. Thank you for new blooms. Enjoying an early
Spring, Brooke

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