When I was in high school, I played volleyball. We took this as kind of our mantra during one of our seasons, and I really never thought it would hold more meaning for me than it did in volleyball. But, as with most of my thought processes in high school, I have been proved wrong. Oh that Jesus, he is ever full of surprises!
A few months back, I posted a blog titled don’t speak. I realized that I was afraid to speak. Afraid to voice my opinion because I was afraid that I would be wrong, or thought badly of. Well, in my new battle to make myself speak whether I am wrong or not, I have come across a new battle. Communication. We say that communication is the key to marriage, and winning volleyball games, but I never knew that it was also important in my battle to actually speak, and share my heart. Since I have posted the blog don’t speak, I have come across several situations where communication lines have gotten crossed, and there were misunderstandings. In short, something went wrong. Nothing major, and it took probably about four instances for me to realize that it was actually bothering me. What I realized, is that communication is not perfect. Wow. Knowing that, you all now know how I really feel about it.
And so, this lie that I have long believed that I need to be perfect, is what has made me withdraw into myself, and not only not speak, but not rely on others. Not rely on my communication with others. I am not a big fan of delegation, which I am sure is not a big surprise. Now, do I have to delegate? Yes. I delegate a lot of different jobs in my classroom to students, but even then, I am very concerned that it is getting done right. And, unfortunately, if the job is done wrong once, I have a very hard time delegating that particular job again. Ever.
Now, a lot of things in my life that have gone wrong, I feel there was something I could have done to do it better. To fix the problem. With communication, it really doesn’t work that way. With communicating with others, both parties normally feel that they did their best job getting across what they wanted to get across. And still, somehow, things got mixed up. A genuine mistake. That is why communication errors bother me so. I can do nothing to fix them. I can do nothing to make them better. Most of the time, there is just a genuine misunderstanding. Both, or all parties did their best when sharing, and there was just a mix-up.
So, where it leaves me, is that no matter how hard I try, communication is not perfect. I misunderstand, you misunderstand, we all misunderstand. It happens all the time. The only reason that it bothers me, is because I want to be perfect. And in all these little spots inside of me, I am realizing what a burden that is. I am also realizing, that this is just one more area where I have to trust, and lean on my savior. I have to lean into the grace that he gives, and trust that he will make things right. Trust that he will cover. He always does. He is a great and miraculous God, and I feel that there are many times he intercedes before we even realize there was a miscommunication. He covers over so many things before we know they need to be covered. He is just that good. That amazing. I don’t have to work to be perfect, I already am. I am already covered. And I don’t have to worry about mistakes, or misunderstandings of any kind. They are covered. They will be made right. They are not the end of the world.
And they are not the end of the world because I have a God who loves me. Dearly. Preciously. Abundantly. Thank you Jesus.
Thank you for growing me,
Princess Brooke
